Options
by ShiningTear
Summary: "All my options seemed to be wrong for this." Roy thinks his options with Riza. Spoilers for episode 59. Royai.


Disclaimer: I do NOT own Fullmetal Alchemist, Arakawa does. I don't get any money from this; this is written just for fun.

A/N: Ok, so this thing came to my mind one evening and I just had to write it. I know the idea is used…you don't have to read, if you don't like. It has Roy's PoV and it takes place at episode 59. Its little angsty at first, but I think it's not that bad, it has cute ending? This may be little overrated, but don't mind. Please tell me what you think!

Options

I'm shocked, I feel like my heart is frozen, when I'm thinking what to do. And that's because I knew. I knew that one day I would have to make a choice. Just didn't think it would be this kind of choice. All my options seemed to be wrong to this. My first option had been like this: I would either leave you, move somewhere so far, that I don't have to face you, don't have to see your beautiful face, your always clean blonde hair, always on that same bun. Don't have to bear your presence. If that happened, you know, I didn't tell you. Cause if I told you, you probably would come after me and you know that would mean that I could got even more used to your hooking presence, maybe even have some kisses from those sweet lips of yours. And my dear, then it would hurt us even more, when it would stop.

And I don't want that anything ever hurts you again, you have already been through enough pain. First you were betrayed by your own father, tattoo forever marking your soft back, first scar showing how your world turned darker. After that came the war, war against innocents, war where you lost your believe in those who were supposed to guide our country, lost the believe to yourself, course you, who had always been able to make everything reasonable didn't anymore know why you were there, your only reason to pull your trigger being…well I really don't know yours. To Maes it was simple: "I don't want to die". Maybe after all it was the same to all of us.

My world was so black then. It was full of flames and shadows, only sound in it being screams and shooting. My hands…I still sometimes imagine blood in them. I'm sure, that under that calm appearance of yours you do too. I'm sure cause at some mornings when you come to give me days paperwork, you too have dark bags under your eyes, your skin pale, betraying your lack of sleep, probably at nights before those mornings you, like all of us who went through Ishval, have heard the screams, felt the desert sand in your throat and woke up shouting after seeing a pair of red eyes right before you.

Yes, it was dark season in our lives, scarred our minds. And when that ended, even when like you said to me after burying that ishvalan child, the war will continue inside us as long as we live, when it ended I did the scar. You asked me to do that, that's true, but it haunts me still, more than Ishval ever will. I knew it then. But I agreed, because I had to. I had to, because I don't want anything else to you but happiness and you were sure you could never be happy if I didn't destroy your secrets. So I did it. I burned your father's secrets away, left my own mark instead. I'm sure that the pain my fire caused was way much harder than the pain when you got your tattoo. I still regret it, kind of, no matter how many times you remember me that that's what you wanted. Oh well, I know that if I hadn't done it then you probably had pointed me with your gun, forcing me, no matter how much I had cried against it. You can be so stubborn. Maybe you have spent too much time with me.

We were sure we could be free after that, save from more pain. I just wanted to focus on my goal and hoped that you would finally have tress free life. But it wasn't possible. Maybe you should have quit the military then, but you, when I had you on my office insisted to continue. So I asked you the question.

"Will you follow me?"

"Even to hell if you so desire."

Who knew how much your words described the future then. You became my personal aide. From that day you were always following me, two steps behind. On that day, you became my shadow. We climbed the ranks together, I became colonel, and you became first lieutenant. We came to be probably the most well known team, it wasn't surprising after all I was the flame alchemist, so called "hero" of Ishval(though I thought me more as an monster than hero) and you were "the hawks eye", the best sniper in amestrian military. I had four other good subordinates too, all ready to do anything for my goal. We found the Elric´s brothers, we found the youngest state alchemist ever.

Then _everything_ started to go wrong. First Hughes was murdered. I can still see his bloody body in my eyes. I felt so powerless, guilty for dragging him, my best friend with me, not being able to protect him. Then came the homunculus. New enemy. Unlike before, I couldn't protect you from this enemy. Yes, I know you are my bodyguard, but still no matter what happened at battle I looked after you more than all my other subordinates. I have to do at least that, not because you are woman; I know you could beat any man with your sniping, but because you're always behind my back, we are always back by back, side by side at battlefield, your trigger finger never thinks when it's about me and I was the one who drag you with me to this almost hopeless fight.

Then, when we fight against the new enemy, they figured out what you meant to me, if not before, then when you thought Lust had killed me. And so because of me, because Bradley knew you are my most beloved subordinate, my friend, you became _his_ personal aide. You had to work under that smiling monster, you were practically their hostage.

So as you can see, I have been the one who was the reason to almost all of the pain causing events you went through. That's why it would be fair to go away, so I wouldn't give you pain anymore. But I am a weak man. I bet you know that already. You saw it, if not before, then at least when Hughes died. My flames almost ate me from inside. If you hadn't been there to stop me…there wouldn't be me anymore, only a shell of a broken man looking for an endless vengeance. I still speak to Maes and you know, I think I'm pretty bad at letting go. So I'm not sure if I could leave at all.

The possibility number two is that I would stay, but never tell you and just stay as your friend and boss. I would watch you become tired of waiting, would play my games until you would find your happiness with someone who doesn't have so much regrets, so much hurting memories, shadows from past. It would hurt me to see you with someone else, but hey you would be happy, get married, do all the normal stuff I couldn't offer you. And maybe I could be satisfied to my life too…no of course that wouldn't work, because I believe I would just regret letting you go for the rest of my life. And it would be painful to you too, if I just ignored you at first. At least that's what my selfless part wishes.

The possibility number three: I would tell you everything I feel. Risky, yes, dangerous, you bet, right…yes.

Option number four…I watch as the man, one of those who could have become like Bradley, lifts a knife to your neck. Your eyes go wide with surprise and pain, when he moves the knife and makes a cut to your neck. You are now in the ground, bleeding, trying to use your hands to stop the blood from coming. I have never been this horrified. In my mind there has never been possibility number four: You _die_ because of me. And never get to know.

"Colonel…you don't have to do human transmutation…"

"You will do it, wont you Mustang?"

This isn't happening. Please somebody tell me this isn't happening. I'm already willing to say yes, just to save you, but then…your eyes move. You look into the roof. And I see…

"Okay."

"So you're doing it!"

"Okay lieutenant. I won't do human transmutation!"

"You're abandoning the woman? That's rude."

I keep talking to the disgusting doctor, while you keep bleeding. If my hands were free I would burn him into toast, ashes. You don't speak anymore. I know it's partly because you have lost so much blood that you probably are going to lose your consciousness soon. I'm hoping that I did the right choice. I have to trust you; after all you have the hawk's eyes. But I know that if the help won't be here soon, you will die. And if that happens, I will never forgive myself.

After few moments it happens. The chimaeras are there to help, so is the little xingese girl. I run to you, afraid that it's too late. Men try to stop me, but I burn them out of my way. I get on my knees, lift you into my arms.

"Don't die lieutenant! Stay with me!"

Your blood is running from under your hand and your eyes are closed. I'm so afraid. What if you die? What I'm I going to do without you? I'm nothing without you. Who's going to safe me when I'm usel…when it's raining? Who is going to watch my back? I can't just let you die like Hughes…what…

The xingese girl comes to us and helps. I put you into transmutation circle. Flash of light and…you're taking a gasp. You're alive. I could die from joy. You're alive. I lift you against my chest.

We can almost read each other's minds. Now I'm more grateful about that than ever, because the small gesture your eyes did saved us both. I hold you in my arms, don't ever want to let go. You look so angelic; your skin is white, your golden hair running freely to your shoulders, your neck covered with your blood, staining my hands while I hold you. Your eyes are weekly opening. They are the best thing in your face, your amber eyes burning with will to fight, even after almost dying. They stare half lidded at my onyx ones and while your breathing becomes slowly back to normal, smile starts to rise to your face. I have never been this relieved and same time on the verge of tears. But I'm not going to cry, because at least once in my life I made the right choice with you. I'm more than ready to kiss you now, but now really is not the time, not while the battle is still going on. So instead I smile back to you, gentle loving smile, hold you as tight as I can without hurting you.

"Colonel, I'm sorry…"

"Don't talk. Rest."

I'm worried about you, but God how happy I'm about hearing your voice.

"I'm glad you noticed where I was watching."

"We have been together so long…and something in your gaze told me: if you try human transmutation, I'll shoot you."

You let out a small laugh, too tired for anything more. It's enough for me. Slowly I help you to your feet, you are still weak from losing so much blood, so I have a good excuse to put my arm around you and hold you as close to me as possible. You really don't seem to mind, you just press even closer to me while we walk to the others. Now I'm sure about it. After we have won this battle, I will go and do the option three.

A/N: So…how bad was it? Tell me, put please, let's safe the flames for the colonel…


End file.
